To Fear or Not to Fear

My heart was beating so hard I thought it was going to come out of my chest. I took a deep, shaky breath and forced the words of the song to come out. As much as I was falling apart on the inside, I had to keep it together on the outside, for the sake of the kids that were watching me.

This moment took place at a practice for the children's program. I definitely could not foresee getting through an entire play alive, while two hundred plus people were looking at me. I fought against these feelings at each practice and then some at home. It was pathetic! How could I have a passion to be involved with these types of events, and then literally feel like I was dying when the opportunity came? It was unacceptable and I had to learn to let go and allow God to do His thing. My journey to get there went something like this

A verse that I had discovered in the midst of fear once before, came back to me. It's found in Isaiah 41:10. God simply says to fear not, because He will strengthen us, help us, and hold us up with His right hand. Then in verse thirteen He actually says He will hold our right hand. So I asked myself, "Do you believe that?" Of course I believed it, but at the time I was just thinking at least I wouldn't be alone while I was keeling over! Needless to say my understanding wasn't quite full.

While the thoughts of hundreds of eyes watching me, freezing and forgetting my lines, or choking on a dry mouth, were forcing me to have a small scale anxiety attack. I realized how pathetic I really was. This fear was causing torment. I then remembered something Pastor Joe once said. I think he asked us something like this, "Do you trust more in your ability to fail, or God's ability to cause you to triumph?" I was clearly focusing on the wrong thing by making it about my inability to keep it together. I did trust God more, and now I needed to act like it!

First and foremost the Christmas program is an opportunity to present the Gospel to the lost. I wasn't willing to ruin that. Another thing was that I needed to do my part in setting an example for all those kids who probably didn't experience stage fright yet. God actually used them to be an example to me! With time, prayer, and remembering to hold on to the reason for it all, I began to get excited.

The night finally arrived and my "sidekick" and I were waiting to enter the sanctuary. We briefly mentioned the jitters we were feeling, and quickly remembered to shut our mouths. As we heard the music begin, I raised my hand and pointed up. My partner and I met eyes and she looked upward and said, "This is all about YOU!"

As we entered the sanctuary, God let us leave something behind in that back room. Fear and self! Remembering these types of situations from my past, I suddenly realized this time was different. For the first time I FELT NO FEAR! He completely took it away, and the verses in Isaiah became vividly alive to me. Was it perfect? Heck no! In fact, I forgot half of what I was going to say at the end of the program. But just like in 2 Corinthians 2:14, He did cause us to triumph. Triumph over a gripping feeling. I do know that the next time a like situation arises; I will once again have to lay it in the hands of Christ. I am surely up for the challenge and will be more ready to trust Him over myself!